Sesshoumaru's Advice Column HUMOR PARODY
by Kilala81
Summary: Sesshoumaru and his Hentai counterpart "Sesshou" answer questions and give advice. Other character stop by as well. Rated for Crude and Suggestive Humor. Read, Review...ask questions and get advice. HUMOR PARODY
1. Advice Column

**A/N: Only use the review system to REVIEW! I don't want to get my account terminated. If you would like to ask a question...write to my e-mail address. You can access it from my member profile (click on my name when you open the story) My email address is simply: Kilala81 at aol. com (Sorry, if you try to write your email address as it is supposed to look in here, it won't show up. I assume you can figure out what I mean.) **

Hey! Okay, this is going to be a "Dear Abby" kind of thing. You send us questions that you want Sesshoumaru to answer by sending us reviews or e- mails, either to or , and we'll try to get Lord Sesshoumaru and Sesshou, (from the outtakes of "A Demon's Heart and Ultimate Sacrifice), to respond in kind. The examples here are all advice kinds of things, but you can also just ask them things that you want to know, about fighting, their life, etc. Occasionally, other characters will pop in to answer questions directed to them, or that merely attract their interest, so feel free to ask anything!  
  
These questions came from a YM magainze, we just reworded them slightly. We need some readers to send us some good questions to work with. These are just some quick examples  
  
Example:  
  
**Dear Sesshoumaru,  
**  
My boyfriend is very possessive. I want to split my time between him and my girl friends pretty evenly, but he still gets mad and says I don't spend enough time with him. What should I do?  
  
**Desperate!  
**  
----------  
  
**Dear Desperate!,  
**  
Even though you are a human, you have chosen this male as your mate. Your obligation is to him. He is possessive because you are his property. You should obey him and act as a proper mate should.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru  
**  
----------  
  
**Dear Desperate!,**  
  
Hey, I speak from experience. He would probably love to go and hang out with you and all of your girlfriends. And if he doesn't, he's gay, so dump him and I know I would love to hang out with all of you... Are you guy's into slumber parties, because, that would be great!  
  
Lots of Love,  
  
**Sesshou  
**  
------------------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshoumaru,**  
  
I've had a crush on my best friend's older brother for months now, but I'm afraid to tell him. I don't know how he, or my best friend, would react to the news. Do you think I should tell him?  
  
**Confused  
**  
----------  
  
**Dear Confused,  
**  
I do not waste my time on such trivial human matters as this. Your annoy me and I think the world would be better if you chose not to mate at all.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**  
  
----------  
  
**Dear Confused,**  
  
I know this is you, Kagome! And I believe that your best friend's older brother would be very pleased and welcoming of your interest... ((heh heh heh). As for InuYasha, who cares?  
  
Lots of Love,  
  
**Sesshou**  
  
-----------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshoumaru,  
**  
I'm always trying new fad diets, but they never work for very long. I was curious about the new low-carb diets. What do you know about them? Do they work?  
  
**Calorie Counter**  
  
-----------  
  
**Dear Calorie Counter,  
**  
Stupid human. I do not eat human food, but it is merely a source of nourishment for you. As for your question, the term "carb" means nothing to me. Do not bother me with such petty problems, or you shall meet the blade of my Tokijin.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**  
  
-----------  
  
**Dear Calorie Counter  
**  
Indignant squeak Are trying to say that I'm fat? I don't know anything about diets because I don't need them! hmph  
  
**Refusing to sign**

**---------------------------------**

**A/N: Keep reading they get funny once we get to the real questions, from real readers! **


	2. First Real Advice

**First Real Advice**

****

**Dear Sesshoumaru,**  
  
Is InuYasha's sword so large, because he's overcompensating for a small....well, you know.  
  
**Curious**

**------------  
  
Dear Curious,**  
  
Both me and my doppleganger counterpart have decided that we will withdraw from this answer, as the question has crossed our minds as well.  
  
Yeah, something that big is just begging for controversy...  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru & Sesshou**

**-----------**  
  
**Dear Curious,  
**  
Fuck you! ::turns beet red, and sputters incoherently::  
  
**InuYasha  
**  
-------------------------------

_This question came from a member of a Sesshoumaru/Kagome web site...that is why there is reference to Kagome being Sesshoumaru's love._  
  
**Dear Sesshomaru,**  
  
I have lost my true love to another person ::coughKagomecough:: and i want to know what you would do about it.  
  
**Sincerly,  
  
Seshomaru's True Love  
**  
P.S. come back to me!!!!!!!!  
  
----------  
  
**Dear ::growls:: Sesshomaru's True Love,**  
  
Human, you will not use my name in such a manner. I wish not to mate with you.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**

----------

** Dear My Truest Love,  
**  
In order to come back to you, you have to send me your address. And a picture. Be creative ::winks seductively::  
  
**Love Always,  
  
Your Dearest Sesshou**


	3. Hair, Boas and One Smut Fiend

**Hair, Boas and One Smut Fiend**  
  
****

**Dear Sesshoumaru,  
**  
How do you get you hair to be so shiny and sliky?  
  
**Dry split ends**  
  
-----------  
  
**Dear Dry split ends,**  
  
My hair is a result of my proud demon heritage. A pathetic human such as yourself could never hope to have hair such as mine.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru  
**  
-----------  
  
**Dear Dry split ends,**  
  
Oh my God! Okay, first I have this awesome salon shampoo and conditioner. The shampoo is a very clarifying and moisturizing one. The intense conditioner really helps treat the damage that all the weather and ::ahem:: action cause. I then use this awesome de-frizzer. Believe it or not, I have very fly-away hair, so I also use a straightening cream that adds weight. I also quite frequently flat iron my hair, especially when it's humid.  
  
However, I've been told that my hair looks best when I wake up in the morning, all tousled. You should come over tonight and tomorrow morning, I'll get your opinion...  
  
**I'll Be Waiting...  
  
Sesshou**  
  
------------------------------  
  
**Dear Lord Sesshomaru/Sessho,**  
  
I have a sick obession with writing InuYasha lemons. It just...doesn't go away. I think I have an addiction to smut, any adivce on what I should do?  
  
**Much Love,  
  
Smut Fiend  
**  
P.S. Sooo, how much would it take to get one sexy demon lord naked and in my bed? wink wink, nudge nudge  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Smut Fiend,  
**  
HUMAN! I will never lower myself to mate with a human. I will not tolerate being spoken to with such disrespect, and your proposition is preposterous.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Smut Fiend,**  
  
::Throws on coat while shoving handcuffs and other such necessities into overnight bag. Shoots out the door holding Smut Fiend's envelope in his hand.::  
  
**See you Soon!  
  
Sesshou  
**  
-------------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshoumaru,**  
  
I just have to ask: What is that fluffy thing on your shoulder?  
  
**Has to know**  
  
-----------  
  
**Dear Has to Know,**  
  
Human, it is not your place to question such things. Speak to me again and I shall see that you suffer greatly before I finally put an end to your pathetic existence.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru  
**  
------------  
  
**Dear Has to Know**,  
  
Well... that all depends. There are many uses for such an... adaptable... appendage. It can be a tail if I want it to be, or a boa, or a blanket. I guess it all depends on whose company I am enjoying, and what clothes I'm wearing. Or not wearing ::smiles mischievously::  
  
**Hope you got a good visual  
  
Sesshou**  
  
------------------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshoumaru,  
**  
How fast can you travel when you are transformed into your dog self?  
  
**Anonymous  
**  
------------  
  
**Dear Anonymous,**  
  
I can move fast enough to catch and crush any who defy or disturb me, and that includes you human.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru  
**  
------------  
  
**Dear Anonymous,**  
  
A DOG?!?!? Where? EWWWW! Dogs are mean, and they have fleas, and they SMELL! I hate dogs! They're gross. ::InuYasha shows up and swats him over the head::  
  
"You're a dog-demon, you idiot!" WHAT?!?!? Ewwww.... I'm gross. I need a bath. And I need to brush my teeth...  
  
**Disgusted  
  
Sesshou  
**  
P.S. I guess that being a dog-demon does give me an excuse to try a new position. ::rummages through pile of letters, finding HIS TRUE LOVE'S picture and address::  
  
--------------------------------  
  
**Dear Naraku,  
**  
Why are you such a mean person?  
  
**Angel**  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Angel,  
**  
What? I'm a nice guy... Once you get to know me. ::Looks around at the doubtful looks from the Inu gang, hangs his head in defeat:: I need a hug.  
  
**Cordially  
  
Naraku**


	4. On All Fours, Chased and Ravaged

**On All Fours, Chased and Ravaged**  
****

**Dear Sesshoumaru,  
**  
But I'm NOT a human, I'm a demon!!!!!!! Come back to me I need you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**Sincerely,  
  
Sesshomaru's True Love  
**  
P.S. I'm a dog demon come back sob come back!  
  
-----------  
  
**Dear... Human,  
**  
How dare you show such disrespect for my intelligence, human? Do you not realize that I can smell the wretched stench of your human blood? The audacity that you would claim to be a dog demon, is sordid, and an insult to my clan and my blood. It is a claim that warrants death.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru  
**  
------------  
  
**Dear My Dearest Love,  
**  
I received your picture, my sweet, and after seeing it I must admit that I don't care what species you are. On the subject of pictures, do you think that you could send me another one? My dear friend Miroku found the last one you sent me and he too found you to be quite enchanting. Long story short I am no longer in possession of the rather, shall we say, alluring photograph. He tells me that he uses it for his exercises in resisting temptation; however, I'm not sure that I believe him.

**Skeptical**

**Sesshou**  
  
---------------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshomaru,**  
  
I know you despise the idea of mating with humans, that's why I'm trying to get a little(lot) of demon in me! Do you think either you or your brother could help?  
  
**Sincerely  
  
On all fours -  
**  
------------  
  
**Dear On All Fours,  
**  
Human, remove yourself from that compromising position. It is disgusting and distasteful. As for my pathetic half-breed brother, I care not what he does with you.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru  
**  
------------  
  
**Dear ::pants:: On all fours,**  
  
I have no problems mating with a human! I can't help you turn into a demon, but I could help you get A LOT of demon in you. ::Smiles Wickedly::  
  
**Drooling,  
  
Sesshou**  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Sesshy-sama,  
**  
Darling, does Jaken have ANY power? At all?  
  
**Shaid**  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Shaid**  
  
Human, if you dare address me as "Sesshy-sama" again, I will take great pleasure in your slow, painful demise. I will then use the Tenseiga so that I can enjoy it a second time. As for Jaken, he only holds power in staff of heads. Even so, he is but a low level demon and that is why he is my servant.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**  
  
-----------  
  
**Dear Shaid**  
  
I don't like ugly things... or smelly things. Jaken is both and I try to ignore him. I don't know if he has any powers. ::Thoughtful Look:: After writing this letter, I hope not.  
  
**Slightly Worried  
  
Sesshou**  
  
----------------------------  
  
**Second Question from Shaid:**  
  
Are you going to wait for Rin to turn 18 before ravishing her? Or will you succumb to your dark passions for her when she's about 16?  
  
**Shaid**  
  
------------  
  
::Lord Sesshoumaru's eyes bleed red::  
  
Moving on...  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Shaid,  
**  
As of now, Rin is but a child. However, when she is 16 she will have the body of a woman. In the words of a great monk "If reason were to give way to passion..."

::Lord Sesshoumaru appears behind Sesshou his eyes glowing red:: "It is important to your survival that you answer this question correctly."  
  
::sputtering:: N-never. I will never touch Rin...ever. ::smiles nervously::  
  
**Abstinent  
  
Sesshou**  
  
-------------------------------  
  
**Dear Kagome,**  
  
Why the hell do you chase after InuYasha?? Personnally, I think it's pointless, but hey, ur choice.  
  
Why chase??  
  
P.S: Either Sesshoumaru or Sesshou, would either of u like a chaser?? hint,hint,wink,wink,nod,nod  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Why chase??,**  
  
Kikyo has decided to join me on answering this question.  
  
**Kagome:** InuYasha is very protective of me.  
  
**Kikyo:** Yes, InuYasha always said he that he would spend his life protecting me.  
  
**Kagome:** Though he does have a little anger problem.  
  
**Kikyo**: Yes, he does need to work on that.  
  
**Kagome:** And no matter how close he and I get, he runs off with you first chance he gets.  
  
**Kikyo:** He promised himself to me, and yet he spends most of his time with you.  
  
**Kagome:** And he can be so rude. Grr...sometimes he just makes me so mad!  
  
**Kikyo:** InuYasha is quite boorish. I could never spend my life with him, unless he were to work on that.  
  
_::_The two women look at each other for a moment_::  
_  
**Kagome:** You know what Kikyo, you can have the two-timing loser!  
  
**Kikyo:** No, by all means you keep him. It has been 50 years since he and I were together.  
  
::InuYasha stands there stunned:: "What the hell just happened here?!?"  
  
**Kagome:** SIT! SIT! SIT!  
  
::Inu plummets to the ground::  
  
**Kagome:** You are nothing but a two-timing loser! SIT!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
::Sesshou and Miroku saunter into the room::  
  
"Sup ladies? How you doin?"  
  
**There are other fish in the sea...  
  
Kikyo and Kagome  
**  
-----------------------  
  
**Dear Why chase??,**  
  
Human, I guarantee any chasing you do will end quick and painfully.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**  
  
------------  
  
**Dear Why chase??,**  
  
Oh yes, I like to be chased, among other things. I guess you'll just have to catch me to find out what THOSE are... It's a damn shame that I just sprained my ankle... now I'm all defensless and alone in my bed...  
  
**Easy prey  
  
Sesshou**


	5. Slaves, Grape Cresents and Rematches

**Slaves, Grape Cresents and Rematches  
**  
**Kikyo,  
**  
Hey! how u doin? still tryin to get InuYasha into hell?? BTW, Why do u try and get him 2 go 2 hell with u??No offense or nething, but that's a bit selfish don't u think?? There r other ppl that would probably luv 2 go with u, and InuYasha might actually have a chance to get into heaven (i doubt it!!) and if not, then he'll be there (hell) eventually. So, i was just wondering that. u just ponder an answer on that.  
  
**Afro**

**----------  
**  
**Dear Afro,**  
  
I need not explain myself to the likes of you.  
  
**Kikyo**

**----------  
  
Dear Afro,  
**  
Ooooh... Me thinks you struck a nerve in the dead woman. Personally, I think that she's a sadistic bitch. ::Looks over at Kikyo:: You know, she IS pretty hot for a dead chick though. As for Inuyasha getting to heaven... ::Everyone laughs hysterically, as Inuyasha cusses profusely at them:: Oh, really, thanks, I know we laugh around here a lot, but it always feels so good...  
  
**Sesshou**

**--------------------------------------**  
  
**Dear SesshoMaru,  
**  
Why do u want InuYasha's sword so much?? Is it a family thing? If that's the case, than don't answer if u want.  
  
Going out on a limb here-don't kill me or nething- but what do your markings mean??  
  
**Afro**

**----------  
  
Dear Afro,**  
  
The power of the Tetsusaiga would be very beneficial to me as the demon lord of the western lands, and the thought of all that power being in the hands of my half-breed brother disgusts me. As for my markings, they are the proud markings of my demon heritage.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**

**----------  
  
Dear Afro,  
**  
I don't want InuYasha's sword. Have you seen the size of that thing?!? I would probably sprain something! As for my markings, I'm not sure what they are, but I do know that they are flavored... And they're all over my body. Tell me Afro, do you prefer cherry or grape? I offer both. ::winks::  
  
**Deliciously Yours,  
  
Sesshou**

**-------------------------------------------------  
  
Dear Inuyasha,  
**  
How do you feel knowing that many, many people write fics involving KagomexSesshoumaru? That includes when they make you the evil, cruel person that drives Kagome away sobbing into your brother's arms. o.o  
  
-**GLOMPS.-**

**----------  
  
Dear GLOMPS,  
**  
My Jackass of a brother won't end up with Kagome! She would never betray me! So fuck off!  
  
**InuYasha**

**----------  
  
Dear GLOMPS,  
**  
I have to admit, that while I am wearing Kagome down in my own way, InuYasha being an insensitive prick does most of the work for me.

By the way, Kagome, you still haven't given me an answer about this Saturday. Well, you gave me an answer about Saturday night, but I think that it might change by then... ::Smiles seductively::  
  
**Persistent  
  
Sesshou**

**-----------------------------------------  
  
Dear Sesshou,  
**  
Where do u live?? i don't have a sprained ankle.:::bats eyelashes:::  
  
And Sesshomaru, Why not give humans a chance?? :::Smiles SINCERELY:::  
  
**Why Chase??**

**----------  
  
Dear Why Chase??,  
**  
I will not, as you say, 'give humans a chance' as I assume that you are referring to mating and the very thought revolts me. Your insufferable lack of intelligence bores me, cease speaking to me, or I shall be forced to kill you.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**

**----------  
  
Dear Why Chase??,  
**  
Yesssss... I shall send you a private e-mail with my address. Though I do have many women admirers, I do have numerous enemies. (Usually having some connection to my women admirers...::smiles wickedly::) While my ankle is feeling better, I have received instructions for no strenuous activity out of my bed, from my doctor of course. However, he said nothing of IN my bed...  
  
**Waiting helplessly,  
  
Sesshou**

**---------------------------------------  
  
Dear Great Magnificent Lord Sesshomaru,**  
  
I am a servant to Naraku but i don't want to be his servant anymore are you hiring? please say yes. oh yeah i am a great chef and i am also a neko youkai but please say yes i don't like Naraku and i can tell you his secret plans he always tells his servants because they never find other lords willing to take them i so say yes please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Naraku: Wench if he doesn't accept you, you will die a horrible painful death muahahahahahahaha  
  
PLEASE SAY YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
**Sincerely  
  
DESPERATE!!!!**

**----------  
  
Dear DESPERATE!!!!,  
**  
I shall agree to take you on as a slave, as long as you obey me and know your place.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**

**-----------  
  
Dear DESPERATE!!!!,**  
  
I shall agree to take you on as a slave, as long as you obey me and know your place. Which is below me. Or above me or well... I guess it all just depends on my mood. ::smiles excitedly::  
  
**Your master  
  
Sesshou**

**--------------------------------------**  
  
**Dear Sesshou**(and the great Lord can read it to if it doesn't offend his delicate demon sense...),  
  
I had a lovely time the other night. Honestly, I didn't know youkai were that damn flexible. Do you do yoga or is that like a natural agility type thing?  
  
**Much Love,  
  
Smut Fiend**

**----------  
  
Dear Smut Fiend,**  
  
I had a great time the other night as well. Though the bit about losing the key to the handcuffs was... unfortunate, but I'm lucky, because, as you said, I am QUITE flexible. And yes, being a demon comes in handy, but I have to continue using ALL of my muscles to stay that way. I'm just glad I have wonderful women like you to help me stay that way ::smiles largely and winks:: By the way, my next workouts on Wednesday, care to join me?

**Ready for a Rematch**

**Sesshou**

----------------------------------------------

**If you do send a question, give me some time to answer it. I like to come up with good answers and have to wait until I'm in a really funny or at least a really perverted mood in order to do that... Send any questions to my e-mail address: Kilala81 at aol. com**


	6. Suggestive Pictures, and Idiot Hanyou an...

**Suggestive Pictures, An Idiot Hanyou and one Hella Mad Taiyoukai**

**Dear Lord Sesshomaru-sama**

What are your real feelings towards Kagome? And before you go off on a rant, Think of the many time she stood up to you in battle? Or the fact that she broke your armor on one occasion? Have you ever known a human to do that? And no I am Not human. I'm a kitsune damnit, so don't talk down to me.

**Sincerely,**

**Innocently Curious**

P.S. Hey Sesshou, How 'bout you come over for some after hour's fun? Picture is enclosed.. winks

----------

**Dear Innocently Curious,**  
  
I will admit that the young priestess has surprised me on occasion. However, she is merely my pathetic half-breed brother's wench, and this Sesshoumaru has no interest in her. As far as you being a kitsune, you are still below me and you will never again use such disrespectful language when you address me, or it will be the LAST time you address anyone.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**

---------

**Dear Innocently Curious,  
**  
I am terribly sorry, but Sesshou is currently unavailable. As a man of the cloth, it is my duty to help out my friends when they need it, so I am replying to his letters while he is away. I am quite intrigued by your picture. Do you always wear such...revealing attire? If so, please feel free to send more photos. As a monk and a man of curious mind, I take it upon myself to learn about other people and their cultures.  
  
"Hey Miroku, what are you doing with my mail?" ::Looks away sheepishly:: "Oh, nothing...I was just looking for some scrolls and thought perhaps they were in here. I will be going now."  
  
**Please write back soon **

**Miroku**  
  
P.S. Would you consider bearing me a son?

------------------------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshou,**  
  
this is strictly for Sesshou...anyways...you sound hott...how bout a good romp??licks lips, and winks playfully or a long session talk...or moaning while do stuff... either or!  
  
**OMFG**

---------

**Dear OMFG,  
**  
:: Sesshou and Miroku both lunge for the envelope with OMFG's address. Chaos ensues as they each try to wrestle it away from the other::  
  
How do you feel about sharing?  
  
**Just Curious **

**Sesshou and Miroku**

------------------------------------

**Dear Sesshoumaru,**  
  
My boyfriend is in California for a week leaving me w/ nothin' 2 do. But the day before he left he well...tried 2 please me A LOT and it bugged me. He didn't really act like himself like I wanted 2. What's a girl like me 2 do?  
  
**Problems Girl**

----------

**Dear Problems Girl,  
**  
So...your boyfriend is gone for a whole week, huh? He wouldn't come home early would he? And if by chance he did...is he the violent type?  
  
Anyway, back to your questions. Now this is a very concerning problem. You are all alone with _no one_...excuse me, nothing to do. Perhaps you need someone else to try to please you for awhile. As for your final question. I would recommend you try doing a six foot tall dem...well, never mind. ::smiles seductively::  
  
**A Six Foot Tall Demon Lord**

** Sesshou**

------------------------------------------

**Sesshoumaru and Sesshou;  
**  
Are you gay or bi?  
  
**DT**

---------

**Dear DT**,  
  
Human, my mating habits are of no concern to you. Never again ask me such a vulgar question or you shall meet a fate even I dare not think about.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**

----------

** Dear DT,  
**  
I'm not gay...I'm QUITE fond of the ladies. Speaking of which, how you doin'? As far as bi...well, I'm a very open minded person. I'll try just about anything once, more if it's fun. :: Miroku looks at Sesshou and slowly takes a step back::  
  
**Just Kidding...Or am I? **

**Sesshou**

-----------------------------------  
  
**Dear Inu;**  
  
Why are you an idiot?  
  
**DT**

----------  
  
**Dear DT,**  
  
Bitch! Come over here and say that! :: Unsheathes his sword::  
  
::Kagome shakes her head sadly:: "Ummm...InuYasha? It's the night of the new moon, your Tetsusaiga doesn't work. Your human remember?"  
  
::InuYasha turns red and begins to curse under his breath before walking away::  
  
"Yeah, I think he just proved your point..."  
  
**Kagome**

------------------------------------------

**For Naraku;  
**  
gives a biiig hug  
  
luv ya Naraku-chan!  
  
**DT**

----------  
  
**Dear DT  
**  
::Grabs DT::  
  
"I find you rather intriguing, human. Would you care to join me in my fight against that idiot half demon? I certainly hope you agree...or my entire argument about being a nice guy will go right out the window when I am forced to kill you.  
  
**Affectionately **

**Naraku**

**--------------------------------**  
  
**Dear to whom it may concern(Sesshomaru/Sesshou)**

okay well you say that you won't mate with a human well what is Kagome then?! a thing!?!! and as i know in Kilala81's last stories lets say that they were KagomeXSesshomau....oh and in the Secrets of the Shinju i think that you are falling in wove(love) with her so HA! I just burned you and baaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!!!! oh and Sesshou gimmy a call ::winks:: Miss that just burned you :D :D :D  
  
**KB**

----------

**Dearest KB,  
**  
I have no problems mating/loving humans. A beautiful woman is a beautiful woman. I assume this was mostly aimed at Lord Sesshoumaru, so I will let him take over here. I have a phone call to make...  
  
**Can't wait to talk **

**Sesshou**

----------

**Dear KB,**  
  
::Sesshoumaru glares daggers at Kilala81::  
  
"Ummm....riiiight, about that whole you and Kagome being in love thing. Well, I...ummm....you see the thing is. ::Sighs:: You're gonna kill me aren't you?"

::Begins laughing nervously:: "How about we wait until the story is finished…I mean, no sense in leaving things up in the air, right?!?" ::Takes a few steps back from the seething demon lord:: "I am _so_ going to kill KB if I get out of here alive."

**Praying there is a next chapter**

**Kilala81**

**-----------------------------------**

**A/N: I have gotten SO many questions! Thank you so much! Please be patient, I will answer them as quickly as humanly possible! I'm working through the list as we speak. Oh yeah, since I've forgotten up till now. "I, Kilala81, do not own InuYasha or any of the characters from the anime or manga. **

. 


	7. Eyeliner, Hair Pulling and Technical Dif...

**Eyeliner, Hair Pulling and Technical Difficulties:**  
  
**A/N: From now on things will be done a little...differently. Due to an attempt on my life ::looks pointedly at Lord Sesshoumaru:: A certain Demon Lord will be wearing subjugation beads. He's not real pleased about this, so try to not piss him off. Sesshou will be wearing them too because...well quite frankly I, as well as every other female, needs to be protected. BTW, sorry it is taking me so long to post these...I am finishing up another story at the same time. I will be working on more of the questions and will get another chapter up as soon as I get a chance. **   
  
--------------------------------

**Dear Kagome,**  
  
Why do you like Inuyasha? He's strong and all but he's kinda dumb -.- well anyways, gimme a call, i think you're hot...  
  
**love,  
  
intrigued**

----------

**Dear intrigued,  
**  
:: Blushes:: Thank you...ummm, that is very sweet of you.  
  
::InuYasha grabs intrigued::  
  
"What the fuck did you just call me?!? You better stay away from Kagome you little..."  
  
"InuYasha, SIT!" ::Inu assumes that oh so familiar position::  
  
:: Sesshou runs by grabbing the Tetsusaiga then sprints off giggling manically::  
  
::Sigh:: What was your number again? I really need a new boyfriend. ::Looks at Sesshou who is giggling and swinging the sword around wildly:: Please tell me you don't have any brothers...  
  
**Kagome**

-----------------------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshoumaru**  
  
Why do you wear red eyeliner? Your Hanyou Half-Brother said it is proof you are secretly in love with Naraku. (Who wears purple eye liner) Is it true? ::Thinks:: :: Runs away screaming::  
**A Young Inu Youkai **

**---------- **

**Dear Young Inu Youkai,  
**  
What the fuck? I never said anything about Sesshoumaru being in love with...

::Inaudible sounds coming from InuYasha's now restricted throat::  
  
:: Kilala81 is forced to intervene:: "SIT!"  
  
:: Lord Sesshoumaru and InuYasha both plummet to the ground in front of one another::  
  
"Wench, the second this spell wears off you will die."  
  
"Damnit, Young Inu Youkai...what did I tell you about pissing him off today?!?" ::Looks down at Sesshoumaru:: "Well, you can at least answer her questions about the eye liner..."  
  
::Growls:: I do not wear eye liner, wench. The colors are merely part of my demon markings.  
  
**A Slightly Pissed, **

**Lord Sesshoumaru**

------------------------------------------------  
  
**Dear Sesshomaru,**  
  
What is your reasoning for hating humans? Not all of us smell bad ya know!  
  
Oh, and I wanted to say that I think your tail, or whatever you want to use it for is absolutely KAWAII! And what's wrong with mating humans? If ya ever  
  
change your mind about it........I'm here!  
  
**Sesshy's Koi, **

**----------  
  
Dear Sesshy's Koi,  
**  
HUMAN! You will NEVER again refer to any part of my person as kawaii. This Sesshoumaru is the Great Demon Lord of the Western Lands. :: Gritting Teeth and suppressing a growl::  
  
Regarding my feelings towards humans, I do not hate them. Hating humans would require caring enough about their petty existence to show that much emotion. I am merely disgusted by their very presence.  
  
As far as mating with you, human, the thought is beyond revolting.  
  
Know that I will remember this and once I have these subjugation beads removed, I will hunt you down and ensure that you pay for your disrespect with your life.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru**

** -------------------------------------  
  
Dear Lord Fluffy-sama and the Sexy Hot Sesshou...,  
**  
(i have bad spelling so bear with me ok?) in one of the Inuyasha episodes when inuyasha turns full demon sreak of which... you meet Kagura. Well she was flirting with you! How do you feel about that?? Did you even know she was doing that?? i think Jaken knows!! do you like Jaken? Because in a fanfic I read Jaken asked you to marry him... and you screamed like a girl and ran away! How do you feel about that?? Oh yah AND I'M A VERY POWERFUL DEMON! I CAN BEET YOU IN BATTLE! I KNOW ALL OF YOUR TRICKS!! MUAHAHAHACOUGH,COUGH,HACK,HACK HELLO HOW ARE YOU?  
  
**Inuyasha's little Angel,**

** ----------  
  
Dear Inuyasha's little Angel,  
**  
:: Claws Unsheathe themselves and eyes bleed red::  
  
You will in the future only address me as Lord Sesshoumaru, Great Demon Lord of the Western Lands. If you ever address me as Fluffy-sama again, I will personally ::shoots a withering glare at Kilala81:: deliver you to _Naraku_ for further torture and punishment. ::Naraku grins evilly::  
  
Tell me the name of this fanfic, as you refer to it. I will find the human that would dare write such vile things about me and see that they meet a painful demise.  
  
As for your question involving the wind demoness...as long as she is part of that filthy half-breed, I have no desire to consort with her in any manner.  
  
::Steps closer in a threatening manner::  
  
Do you dare challenge this Sesshoumaru? ::catches another glance of Kilala81 and glares down at Inuyasha's little Angel:: For now I will overlook your blatant disregard for my honor. But in the future I will accept your challenge and see that you are brought to a painful and much deserved death.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru, Great Demon Lord of the Western Lands  
  
----------  
  
Dear SESSHOU'S Little Angel,  
**  
Kagura is quite an attractive demon. Though I MUCH prefer angels myself. ::winks playfully:: Tell me, my sweet Angel; is there any chance that I could get into, well....heaven tonight?  
  
**Devilishly Yours, **

**Sesshou  
  
------------------------------------- **

**Dear Sesshomaru and Sesshou,**

Why do you want to kill Inuyasha? Why don't you just make him your slave? That way we wouldn't have to see Inuyasha die, and you would be happy!

**Just curious,  
  
Shorty **

**---------- **

**Dear Shorty,**

This Sesshoumaru has less than no desire to have that pathetic half breed as a slave. The fact that he shares blood with me is disgraceful and an embarrassment to my very honor and I will spend my every waking moment dedicated to removing him from this world.

**Lord Sesshoumaru **

**---------- **

**Dear Shorty,**

I've never tried to kill InuYasha! Well...there was that once when he pulled my hair. _NOBODY_ touches my hair.

::InuYasha walks up behind Sesshou and laughs::

"THAT was trying to KILL me?! I thought you were just slapping wildly while screaming like a little girl?"

::InuYasha bursts into laughter as Sesshou once again begins slapping viciously at him with an enraged look on his face::

"Shut up! I do not scream like a girl!" ::He stopped shortly when he realized that he was having no effect on InuYasha except to make him laugh harder with his indignant screeches::

:: Sesshou smiles smugly:: InuYasha's fearing for his life, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

::Lord Sesshoumaru stands appalled that the God's have cursed him with the pathetic half-breed sharing his blood, and the mindless pervert that shared his image::

**Ruthlessly **

**Sesshou  
**  
--------------------------------------  
  
**Dear Naraku,**  
  
I'll join you to kick Inuyasha's ass. You know what he did? Stole MY ramen! I was taking a stroll in the Feudal Era, left my Ramen alone and when I turned around, he was running off with it! -Smirks, tossing her hair.- So, can I join ya, Naraku-sama? -winks.-  
  
**-ShiroInu, One Hopeful Dog Demon.**

** ----------  
  
Dear ShiroInu,**  
  
What the fuck are you talking about bitch? It was your own damn fault! _You_ left that ramen sitting there. You wanna kick my ass, then come over here and give it a try!  
  
::Kilala81:: SIT! This question was for Naraku, NOT you InuYasha.  
  
::Naraku takes a look at ShiroInu:: I will accept your allegiance, however, know that if you ever cross me you will suffer greatly.  
  
**Naraku **

**-----------------------------------------  
  
Dear Sesshoumaru/Sesshou,  
**  
Do you take female demons as sex toys? You know the whole 'one night stand' stuff. Also, what qualities do you look for in a mate? -:: steals a piece of both's hair and runs away screaming.::   
  
**ShiroInu **

**----------- **

**Dear ShiroInu,  
**  
:: Sesshoumaru prepares to pounce on ShiroInu and rip her apart::  
  
::Kilala81 is forced to intervene again::  
  
"SIT!"  
  
::Sesshoumaru plummets to the ground::  
  
::Kilala81 hears crashing then swearing behind her and turns to see InuYasha subdued as well, then turns to her left and sees Sesshou on the ground whining about his clothes being dirty::  
  
"HUMAN! The second this spell wears off, I will rip you apart before I hunt down that ShiroInu and do the same to her."  
  
"Well, in that case: SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT! SIT!"

::Kilala81 runs after ShiroInu and the two attempt to hide::  
  
"You do realize he is going to kill us the minute that spell wears off, right?!?"  
  
::ShiroInu holds up the pieces of hair she that took and laughs::  
  
"It was worth it..."   
  
-----------------------------------------

**Dear ShiroInu,**

::Sesshou stands slowly, red seeping into his eyes as his fingers brushed through his hair. Finding the offended spot, his demon instincts take over and he shoots off after the girls::

::Minutes later, Kilala81 sauntered back, laughing. InuYasha chuckles, "What's the matter, did he try to slap you guys to death?"

"No, he transformed into his dog self. He quickly forgot about us though, when he realized what he was. He started screaming and saying something about being gross and needing a bath..."

::Sesshou is in the nearest lake scrubbing vigorously at all the skin he can reach, and rinsing his mouth out repeatedly::

**Mortified **

**Sesshou**  
  
----------------------------------------

**Dear Sesshomaru and Sesshou,  
**  
Do you think that its wrong that i have a whole shrine dedicated to a certain demon ::cough cough:: SESSHOMARU ::cough::? A lot of my friends think I'm over obsessive, and that i should get a boyfriend before i go mad with this obsession. Please help!  
  
**Sincerely,  
  
Shorty**

----------------------------------------

**Dear Shorty,**  
  
I care not what a human such as yourself does in your spare time. However, if I find that you are in league with ShiruInu, and have my hair in your possession, your death will come as surely as hers.  
  
**Lord Sesshoumaru **

**---------- **

**Dear Shorty,**  
  
The answer to your problems are quite simple really. You should worship me personally, instead of a mere shrine. I have no problem letting you worship me, in fact I encourage...no, insist upon it. Maybe we can arrange for you to have a few more, ummm...photos for your shrine. ::winks while smiling wickedly::  
  
**Clothing optional **

**Sesshou **

**-----------------------------------  
  
Dear inuyasha,**  
  
you do know that your big strong brother Lord Sesshoumaru is way stronger than you? and why do you hate Shippo?? are you jealous? oh yah you do know that if you turn full-youkai you R going to kill Kagome and Kikyou!  
  
**Inuyasha's Little Angel**

** ----------  
  
Dear...ummm...InuYasha's little Angel  
**  
If Sesshoumaru is so much stronger than me then how come he is the one missing an arm and I still have the Tetsusaiga? He's a fuckin' coward! Sesshouma-  
  
:: InuYasha's cut short when the Tokijin nearly takes his head off...soon both the Tetsusaiga and Tokijin clash and the whole place is being ripped apart by angry demons::  
  
::Suddenly, an eerie, green glow fills the room as Sesshoumaru's acid whip is unleashed::

** --- BEEEEEEEEEP ---  
WE'RE SORRY, THIS PROGRAM HAS BEEN INTERRUPTED DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.**


End file.
